Choosing To Trust Even When.......

Remembering What I Know

2011-08-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

It was 3:00 A.M. and I couldn't sleep. That seems to be the way things have gone since my surgery seven weeks ago. This insomnia seems to be environmental in the making. It's partly due to the pain that seems to strike in the middle of the night. And then there are those racing thoughts that come once I'm awake. How am I going to....? What am I going to do when.........? I can't believe I have to..... and what about? You get the idea, right?

Well, my biggest hurdle after being immobile for five weeks was to be able to get off of my porch since my strong man, who wheeled me off for various appointments, was leaving the country for three weeks. My prayer request for everyone who asked was:"Pray that I can get off the porch!" I couldn't even walk. How in the world was I going to be able to get off the porch until I could put weight on my foot? On and on my thoughts would go until anxiety and fear were my companions in the night instead of peace and rest. Pain and fatigue increased my fear and didn't help with the clarity of my thoughts.

Well, to make a long story short, physical therapy came none too soon. By the time I left the therapist's office after the first appointment, I was walking to the car with the aid of a walker. Yep, I, the one who had worried, fretted and cried for days about this possibility,,had walked to the car!!!! Not only that but I walked onto the porch and into the house.

Amazing, right? For me, absolutely!!!!!!!! God had answered my prayer about being able to "get off the porch" before John left. So, what's the point of this blog entry? Just to encourage your heart that God answers our prayers in His time and that He is faithful. Well, not exactly.

Would you believe, after my walking victory, the next time I got up to walk I couldn't move? Yep. That's right. I was frozen in place. I couldn't remember what to do next. I was stuck and had to call for help. It had only been 5 weeks since I'd walked uninhibited to carry out the tasks before me.

In the middle of the night as I was fretting about forgetting, God gently reminded me to go back to what I knew. The therapist had taught me how to hop and I had rehearsed those steps in my mind. So, I thought if repeated them, it would trigger my ability to remember to walk. Guess what? It worked!!!!!!!

In all of this, God reminded me to go back to what I know to be true about Him as well. There is no formula like the physical therapist gave me for walking but there are truths that I can cling too even when I'm stuck and don't know how to move in a spiritual sense. There are things that are true of me as a new creation in Christ (2 Cor.5:17) that may not always feel true in a given moment. I can choose to live like they are true of me regardless of my feelings.

Just because walking didn't feel natural to me anymore, didn't mean that I wasn't meant to walk again. I just had to remind myself how to walk over and over and choose to do it. I'm happy to say that the walking is coming much more easily now. I believe the same thing is true of me spiritually. As I am transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom. 12:1) and learn to live as though what God says in His word is true about me,I will begin to walk like the new creation in Christ that He says I am. It will be moment by moment. One choice (or step)at a time empowered by His Spirit in me. That sounds like the kind of walk I want to have. How about you?

Mandisa - He Is With You

2011-07-31T07:08:00.000-07:00

He is With You

2011-07-31T06:49:00.000-07:00

On the six year anniversary of Bobby's death as I was missing him and wondering some of the same questions that I've had from the beginning, God used a song by Mandisa to remind me that he was and still is with me in my pain. It's called He is With You. My questions still aren't answered but I KNOW that God has caused all things to work together for good even though it's still painful and some days I long to push the rewind button and have a do over. He is with me and my family on the days when we miss Bobby like crazy. He is with us when we're living life to the fullest with just a dull ache in our hearts that reminds us Bobby's not here. He's with us as we celebrate birthdays, holidays and ordinary days just because we've been given another chance to live, laugh and love. For that, I am extremely grateful!

Wonder What You'd Be Like Today?

2011-07-31T06:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I wonder why that is? I've written some in my journal but I haven't given my self the gift of time it would take to process my thoughts and post here. Maybe it's time to change that. We'll see.

I just finished reading the book Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. I'll share my thoughts about the book in another post. Though I will say that it has inspired me to continue blogging. Reading her blog excerpts in the book reminded me how much I miss processing my journey this way.

I thought I'd resurrect the blog by including a post from Bobby's Facebook memorial page that I wrote on July 23. That date marks the 6 year anniversary of his passing.

"Hey Buddy, I miss you. Brian’s at the lake today and dad’s officiating at a funeral. It’s at the same place we had your viewing. That will be hard for him.

It will be six years tomorrow since you left us so suddenly. I often wonder what you would look like especially as I see the changes in Brian day by day as he grows into a young man. I wonder what path you would have chosen for your life if you’d stuck around. I don’t dwell on it too much because that leaves me dwelling in the land of “what if” or “if only” which keeps me from living in the now.

Your life had a profound impact on those around your as has your death. I’d like to think that we are choosing life every day and making the most of now even while missing you.

Through it all, God has been and continues to be with us and we have peace knowing that you are with Him. There are days I wonder how you are adding life to heaven’s party. I really want to see you but for now, I’ll hang out here and make the most of life now."
Love,
Mom

What Role Am I Going to Play?

2010-01-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

"His death is not what I would have chosen and I still don't understand."

The quote above is from a reflection I wrote on Bobby's birthday last year. Recently, I've given out the address to Bobby's Memorial page on Facebook to some ladies at work. One has a son who's in a drug addiction and she's just looking for help and support. The others have young teenage boys and my experience of loss is their wost nightmare.

As the conversation unfolded during lunch, my thoughts went something like this:
" Good grief!!! God, how can I not say something? BUT I only have 30 minutes to eat and go to the bathroom and you want me to talk about my loss now??? What if I start crying? I have to go back to class. You know the kids will ask what's the matter, don't you? I do have a to come back tomorrow!!!!"

I did choose to enter into the conversation and share part of my story with those precious women. Being in that place at that time was God's plan for my life in that moment. I had a choice to allow my story to be used for His glory and their and my good or I could be silent but more "comfortable" as I ate my lunch and went about my day. God so gently reminded me that He doesn't waste anything, not even painful, difficult things. This is the quote He reminded me of:

We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.- Jerry Sittser

I'm still learning how to respond to the role of someone who has lost a child without letting it define me. Life is the point. Even in Bobby's death, life is still the point. If sharing parts of his story leads others to life that's pretty cool!!!! His death is still not what I would have chosen but I do understand just a little better how God can use Bobby's death to share HIS LIFE with others.

As I live this life that He has given me, I continue to look for opportunities to share His life and hope with those in my world.

Considering-Verse III

2009-08-13T05:03:00.000-07:00

Considering seems to be this on-going song. At least that 's the way it's seemed since 2005 when God gave first put the words in my heart. What I think to be the final verse came to me as I was preparing a talk for the ladies retreat at my church. The topic I was to speak on was experiencing God's love through pain. Well, in order to go there, I had to go back in time and think on how I'd actually experienced God's love through pain. This was a somewhat painful task even though I could clearly see God's hand in the circumstances of my life. I could see God's faithfulness through some difficult things but I found myself wondering about the tomorrows of my life. My "worry flesh" began to kick in and familiar words that used to paralize me began running through my head. That's when I needed to replace lies with truth. At that moment, God didn't give me a scripture but another verse to Considering. He's funny like that. He speaks to me in a way that He knows I can receive His truth in a given moment. I know sometimes I'm to busy trying to figure things out on my own but in those moments when I'm quiet before Him, He is faithful to show me His truth.

Considering-Verse III-Written in April 2009

Oh, Lord you have been faithful
As I’ve traveled down this road.
As I look toward tomorrow,
I sometimes wonder what it holds.
Then I hear you gently whisper
I am with you in the now
And whatever comes tomorrow
You will see my grace poured out.

Chorus: amended in April 2009
Considering all you’ve done for me,
Considering all I know of you,
Lord, I want to let you love me
Even though I can’t see you.
Lord, I choose to let you love me
Even when I can’t see you.

None But Jesus

2009-08-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

This is a song that God has been using to speak to me lately. It keeps bringing me back to the center. This is my life. I can't wait to start living until this or that happens. This is my everyday,ordinary, God-appointed life. My focus needs to be Him and not my to do list (although I do like my list :) )! I want to make the most of everyday that I have and enjoy each moment whether it's walking the dog or sleeping in or hugging my boy or my man or....... You get the point. "All my delight is in you Lord. All of my hope. All of my strength."

If God Needs Anything From Me, Is it My Weakness?

2009-06-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

Today someone shared that they had been reading in 2 Corinthians 12 during their devotional time together as a family. I’m sure you’re familiar with the verses even if you don’t know the reference. It’s the part where Paul is talking about not boasting in anything except his weaknesses. Then she made this statement: “I think this is saying that if God were to ever need anything from us He would want our weakness.” Well, I immediately wrote that down and knew I was going to have to think about that and do a little digging. She didn’t say that God needs something from us but if He did it would probably be our weakness.
Well, I don’t know about you but I don’t like having weaknesses. I don’t want to sit around talking about them over coffee with friends. They are what get in the way of me living a victorious, abundant, life to the full kind of day. I can spend so much time focusing on not walking in fear, for example, that I forget to access the power Christ in me when fear crops up!
Paul, on the other hand, says this: In 2 Cor. 11:30b “If I have to boast, I will boast of what pertains to my weakness.” In 2Cr 12:5- he says “but on my own behalf I will not boast, except in regard to {my} weaknesses.” After asking God several times to remove his “thorn in the flesh” God said no. and this is what else He said: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)
Paul goes on to say: “Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2:Cor.12:9b-10)
The list of things that Paul is well content with is what I usually want to avoid or pray for God to get me out of. Finally, when I realize that I have to go through “it” (and Him being with me, of course), I say: "Can we please hurry up so I can get on with experiencing the abundant life that you died to give me?!!!!!!"
I wonder what would happen if stopped despising my weaknesses but looked at them as an opportunity for God’s power to show up strong in me. I do have a choice right? About how I choose to look at things? Maybe my weaknesses aren’t keeping me from experiencing HIS life in me but an even greater opportunity for Him to express HIS life through me? I think ya, maybe. I’m going to think some more while I exercise. Before I know it, my boy will be home from school. Maybe we can share a little grace, a little truth and some LIFE together!!!!

Living in the Present Moment...........

2008-11-18T10:13:00.000-08:00

What does that look like in the day to day? Living in the present moment not in the past where all the "if only's" dwell. Living in the present moment not in the future where all of the "what if's" live. Neither place sounds very peaceful but rather full of regret or full of fear depending where I choose to hang my hat. Surely there is another choice, right? Yep and it's the only choice that I can do anything about-my choice to live in and experience GOD in each present moment. That is where God IS. He WAS in the past with me and He WILL BE in the future with me but right now and now and now, He is in this present moment with me and with you. He is the "I AM"-what I/we need when we need it. I think victory in the Christian life is being able to experience Christ as my life in each present moment and if I forget who I am in Him or who He is in me, then I can expereince Him even in that as He reminds me of what's true.

Trust is a huge thing for me. If I'm able to experience His sufficiency in each moment will I trust Him more? Good question. I'm still pondering a quote I posted a while back but somehow I think it connects to living in the present moment.

"When I trust deeply that today God is truly with me and holds me safe in a divine embrace, guiding every one of my steps, I can let go of my anxious need to know how tomorrow will look, or what will happen next month or next year." Henri Nouwen

As I experience Him and KNOW His character and His heart toward me, perhaps false beliefs about Him based on past experiences ect. can be replaced by absolute truth that isn't based on circumstances? It certainly seems to be true of my journey so far.

So, can I trust even when it hurts? when the path isn't clear? when I'd rather do it my way? Sure, but only because I can trust Him!!! He is the constant in the ever changing..........always the same. I can experience the one who never changes in my day that is constantly changing as I rest and trust Him in each present moment.

Boy, this sounds way more peaceful than the other choices. I think I'll grab my hat and hang it on the peg of the present moment where God is!!!! How about you?

Pain

2008-09-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

At the moment, I'm feeling a profound sense of sadness. I know it has multiple layers. The first contributor is the decline of my mother-in-law's health. John is with her now as decisions are being made regarding her extended care once out of the hospital. The second contributor is the story of a family in my community who is going through a tremendous amount of pain. I don't even know them but I feel their pain. The third contributor is the loss of several older folks within our church family in recent days.

I am rereading a book that was given to me after Bobby's death. In it the author makes this statement:

Pain is a gift, a sure sign that we are alive. Only the dead feel no pain, and that includes the dead people who, though still alive have rejected love and goodness and sorrow for so long that they have lost the ability to feel anything.

One of the biproducts of experiencing tremendous loss is, for me at least, that I feel things very deeply which includes the pain of others. That is both a blessing and a curse of sorts. My losses have not hardend my heart but have made it softer and more tender to the needs of others. As Jerry Sittser puts it,"I have been enlarged by my loss."

That brings up another point in experiencing life which often includes loss at some level.

We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.

I can choose how I will respond to the circumstances that come my way or that come into the lives of ones I love, or perhaps those I hardly know. I have more thoughts welling up but I'm out of time for now. So, I'll keep pondering as I live today like there is no tomorrow.

You Belong to Me

2008-09-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

You run, you hide
As tears fall from your eyes
They fall like snow
From a wounded soul

You hold inside
The hurt of great divide
The hole is starting to get old

So come back to the light
To the love, you will find
It’s been here all along
So come back to the start
And you’ll find in your heart
That you always belonged
To me

Just take the rope
I won’t let it go
Give in
We can start again

I’m life, I’m hope
And I’m ready to explode
With how bad I want you back home

You're my daughter

You're my son

You're the one I long to love

You've heard I chose to die

Do you know you're the reason why?

So come back to the light
To the love, you will find
It’s been here all along
So come back to the start
And you’ll find in your heart
That you always belonged
To me

I'm facilitating a class based on the book Problems, God's Presence and Prayer. It's interesting how God has allowed things to come across my path that relate to how we as believers deal with our pain especially in relationship to God. From songs to videos to testimonies of others, our view of God is often affected by what we are experiencing in our lives (our circumstances).
At their very core, our problems are designed to drive us to God. Yet often I find, from my own life experience and that of others, that instead we run, we hide, we numb we…………..anything to keep us from experiencing the pain that our circumstances can bring.

Even still, God is continually calling us to experience Him right in the middle of whatever is going on. I think the words in this song say it perfectly.

I’m life,

I’m hope

And I’m ready to explode

With how bad I want you back home

So come back to the light

To the love, you will find

It’s been here all along So come back to the start

And you’ll find in your heart

That you always belonged

To me

I want to experience him as LIFE and HOPE right where I am. How about you?

The Choice

2008-09-04T07:08:00.000-07:00

When spirituality is viewed as a journey....the way to spiritual wholeness is
seen to lie in an increasingly faithful response to the One....
*whose purpose shapes our paths,
*whose grace redeems our detours,
*whose power liberates us from crippling bondages of the prior journey (our past), and *whose transforming presence meets us at each turn in
the road.”

M. Robert Mulholland Jr.
Invitation to a Journey

The way to spiritual wholeness lies in response to the ONE who knows me better than I know myself. Even when my response isn't "increasingly faithful"- when I'm not walking on the path of God's provision, God is still there. His grace redeems my detours. It is His power that liberates me from the crippling bondages of my past. In this case, that would be running to food instead of Him when I'm stressed. I've done that a few times this week. Wherever I am, it is HIS transforming presence that meets me at each turn in the road.
He is always faithful even when I am not living from that surrendered place. His purpose shapes my path. Sometimes it is three steps forward and two steps back. It’s part of my journey. Just because I’m not experiencing all the freedom that He died to give me doesn’t mean it’s not real. Discovering how to walk in that freedom is part of my journey.
The freedom to not eat when I’m stressed but instead run to Him and tell Him everything I’m feeling is something that I have the freedom to choose. It may seem foreign to me because I have run to something else (namely food) for so long.
What would it look like for me in the moment to choose not to eat those chips I just got
out of the pantry? Maybe I need to ask myself some questions:

1. Is there a habitual response going on right now? What habit have I developed that makes me think I need to eat right now?

2. Is my flesh rebelling against what is God’s best for me?

3. Is my present response to food rooted in my past?

4. Am I trying to alleviate the pain of old wounds by turning to food at this time?

Maybe I’ll only remember one question. Maybe I’ll only remember to run in His direction. He will meet me at that turn in the road or anywhere in between. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing kind of thing which is a major flesh pattern for me. “If I can’t do it all right then I might as well give up.” Even writing that looks ridiculous! But how often am I deceived into making that choice? Every choice matters-this one and the next. Through His Spirit in me, I can choose His way. I chose this morning to journal instead of staying stuck, instead of believing the lies of the enemy. What else will I choose on my journey with Him today?

The View

2008-08-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

I want to spend some more time pondering this quote. For now I'll post it and come back to it later

."When spirituality is viewed as a journey....the way to spiritual wholeness is seen to lie in an increasingly faithful response to the One....*whose purpose shapes our paths,*whose grace redeems our detours,*whose power liberates us from crippling bondages of the prior journey (our past), and*whose transforming presence meets us at each turn in the road."
M. Robert Mulholland Jr.Invitation to a Journey

Trusting Deeply?

2008-08-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

I was on Facebook a few minutes ago and a longtime friend had this quote on her page. It really spoke to me so I thought I'd share it here.

"When I trust deeply that today God is truly with me and holds me safe in a divine embrace, guiding every one of my steps, I can let go of my anxious need to know how tomorrow will look, or what will happen next month or next year." Henri Nouwen

Trusting deeply doesn't change anything about God. It just allows me to expereince Him and all that He is more fully in my life.

Wanting God More Than..........

2008-08-26T06:02:00.000-07:00

In his books, The Papa Prayer and Soul Talk, Larry Crabb makes a statement that originally comes from Augustine, I think. The statement goes something like this (God Speaking): "Child, I want you to make a list of everything that you want. I mean everything-all the blessings that you want from me- healthy children, nice house, good job, great relationships, great fruit in ministry, loose weight etc. I will give you all of those things But you will never see my face."

The feeling that I have when I think of having everything on my list (which is way too long to list here) but not seeing God's face is evidence of who I really am in my new heart that He has given me. I can't imagine not ever seeing God's face-Not Really! But I often treat God in such a way that all our relationship is about is what He can give me-weight loss, freedom from emotional pain, a child who doesn't struggle, a husband who doesn't have a chronic illness.............The list could go on and on.

Dr. Crabb talks about the first thing vs. second things. The second things being the blessings of God and the first thing being our relationship with God. I often find myself seeking the second thing blessings of God without much thought about my relationship with Him. What would it look like for me to be a first thing Christian? Would I not want to loose weight anymore? Would I become lax in doing the things that God has entrusted to me? I don't think so. I think my perspective would change. I think I might trust Him more to workout things in my life because I know He loves me, because He always has my best interest at heart.

How will I know that the above things are true about God? Time. Just hanging out with Him, developing my relationship with Him. The people I like and trust the most are the people I spend time with, the ones I have history with. What if I treated God like the person He is? What if I made a coffee or a lunch date with Him? What if I sought time with Him like I do with my other friends? He's always seeking me! Imagine it......Beth Moore gave a good illustration of God waiting excitedly by our beds everyday for us to wake up just so He talk to us!!!

Am I listening? Do I want to know Him more than I want............? I think I'll finish my second cup of coffee with Him. He's waiting for me!!!

Pressing Into Him

2008-08-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk this morning. As I headed toward my destination, I thought it would be a good time to mediate and set my mind. I was slightly overwhelmed. I think I was and still am struggling with "first day back from vacation, last week before school starts, get all your ducks in a row syndrome" that plagues me this time of year.

As I kept taking my thoughts captive (over and over it seemed), what continued to come to the forefront of my mind was "My strength is made perfect in your weakness". God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. What about being competent? capable? What about my abilities and talents?

To be sure, as my abilities and talents are surrendered to the control of His spirit in me, He can use them for his purposes and be glorified through them. BUT is that what causes me to press into Him? Honestly, NO! What causes me to depend on God as my very life is my inability to see a way outside of Him. It's often when I have exhausted my own resources that I cry out to Him.

In his book: Problems, God's Presence and Prayer, Michael Wells talks about how believers need problems.

"Problems are God's main too for bringing us to the end of our own resources and into the deep experience of all His riches."

In I Corinthians 2:9 the book of Isaiah is quoted: "Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, All that God has prepared for those who love Him."

Verse 12 goes on to say "Now we have received not the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God that we might know the things freely given to us by God."

Through His Spirit, I can know the things freely given to me by God! Can I look at my problems then a primary vehicle that God wants to use so that I can experience "all of His riches"? I'll be the first to say that I'm not standing in a line that says,"more problems please!" BUT am I willing to allow God to shape my perspective in such a way that when a problem comes or never seems to go away, I look to Him as my source of strength. I choose to trust even when I can't see or feel Him. I trust His character, His good heart toward me as I press into Him. Am I willing to be weak (totally dependant) so that His strength is what shows up strong in me? Good question. I think I'll keep pondering.

Considering

2008-08-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Considering
By Garvisa Stroud
Chorus:
Considering all you’ve done for me,
Considering all that you will do,
I can’t imagine not trusting
Even though I can’t see you.
Verse I
The choice is very simple
Yet somehow quite profound
I can choose Lord, to trust you
Or choose to remain bound
Bound to circumstances, situations
I cannot control
Or trust You in the midst of them
As my only hope!!!
Chorus:
Considering all you’ve done for me,
Considering all that you will do,
I can’t imagine not trusting
Even though I can’t see you.

Verse II
My heart is nearly breaking
As I travel down this road
I can’t imagine having to bear
This heavy load
Then I hear you gently whisper
It was never mine to bear
I want to run away in agony
But then I see You there
Chorus:
Considering all you’ve done for me,
Considering all that you will do,
I can’t imagine not trusting
Even though I can’t see you.

I wrote the beginning of this song in the spring of 2005. It came during a time that I was crying out to God to speak to me! I had been involved in a tragic car accident where another person was killed. Needless to say, my whole world was changed forever along with the world of this precious family. I was devastated and none of what had happened made any sense! I couldn't see God's hand in this terrible tragedy. I was crying out for something to hold onto.

The second part of this song came in July of 2005, on the morning of my precious son's funeral. I was crying out to God once again to help me walk through yet another terrible tragedy. As I was sitting on the front porch of my brother and sister-in law, I was begging God to help me get through what was to come later that morning. I couldn't imagine dealing with what was to come in a few short hours. It had all happened so suddenly! It was so unbelievable! It couldn't be real, could it? How do you walk through something like this?

This morning, my best friend called with the news of her uncle's sudden passing! I couldn't believe it-Uncle Bernie? He was in his 50's. I had just seen him and Aunt Charlotte a few weeks ago during my visit. I immediately thought of Aunt Charlotte and the shock and bewilderment she must be experiencing. I have prayed for her today and I have been considering too. I have been considering the brevity of life, how hard life can sometimes be and also the faithfulness of God through it all even though we may not see Him.