Monday, August 15, 2011

Remembering What I Know

It was 3:00 A.M. and I couldn't sleep. That seems to be the way things have gone since my surgery seven weeks ago. This insomnia seems to be environmental in the making. It's partly due to the pain that seems to strike in the middle of the night. And then there are those racing thoughts that come once I'm awake. How am I going to....? What am I going to do when.........? I can't believe I have to..... and what about? You get the idea, right?

Well, my biggest hurdle after being immobile for five weeks was to be able to get off of my porch since my strong man, who wheeled me off for various appointments, was leaving the country for three weeks. My prayer request for everyone who asked was:"Pray that I can get off the porch!" I couldn't even walk. How in the world was I going to be able to get off the porch until I could put weight on my foot? On and on my thoughts would go until anxiety and fear were my companions in the night instead of peace and rest. Pain and fatigue increased my fear and didn't help with the clarity of my thoughts.

Well, to make a long story short, physical therapy came none too soon. By the time I left the therapist's office after the first appointment, I was walking to the car with the aid of a walker. Yep, I, the one who had worried, fretted and cried for days about this possibility,,had walked to the car!!!! Not only that but I walked onto the porch and into the house.

Amazing, right? For me, absolutely!!!!!!!! God had answered my prayer about being able to "get off the porch" before John left. So, what's the point of this blog entry? Just to encourage your heart that God answers our prayers in His time and that He is faithful. Well, not exactly.

Would you believe, after my walking victory, the next time I got up to walk I couldn't move? Yep. That's right. I was frozen in place. I couldn't remember what to do next. I was stuck and had to call for help. It had only been 5 weeks since I'd walked uninhibited to carry out the tasks before me.

In the middle of the night as I was fretting about forgetting, God gently reminded me to go back to what I knew. The therapist had taught me how to hop and I had rehearsed those steps in my mind. So, I thought if repeated them, it would trigger my ability to remember to walk. Guess what? It worked!!!!!!!

In all of this, God reminded me to go back to what I know to be true about Him as well. There is no formula like the physical therapist gave me for walking but there are truths that I can cling too even when I'm stuck and don't know how to move in a spiritual sense. There are things that are true of me as a new creation in Christ (2 Cor.5:17) that may not always feel true in a given moment. I can choose to live like they are true of me regardless of my feelings.

Just because walking didn't feel natural to me anymore, didn't mean that I wasn't meant to walk again. I just had to remind myself how to walk over and over and choose to do it. I'm happy to say that the walking is coming much more easily now. I believe the same thing is true of me spiritually. As I am transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom. 12:1) and learn to live as though what God says in His word is true about me,I will begin to walk like the new creation in Christ that He says I am. It will be moment by moment. One choice (or step)at a time empowered by His Spirit in me. That sounds like the kind of walk I want to have. How about you?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Mandisa - He Is With You

He is With You

On the six year anniversary of Bobby's death as I was missing him and wondering some of the same questions that I've had from the beginning, God used a song by Mandisa to remind me that he was and still is with me in my pain. It's called He is With You. My questions still aren't answered but I KNOW that God has caused all things to work together for good even though it's still painful and some days I long to push the rewind button and have a do over. He is with me and my family on the days when we miss Bobby like crazy. He is with us when we're living life to the fullest with just a dull ache in our hearts that reminds us Bobby's not here. He's with us as we celebrate birthdays, holidays and ordinary days just because we've been given another chance to live, laugh and love. For that, I am extremely grateful!

Wonder What You'd Be Like Today?

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I wonder why that is? I've written some in my journal but I haven't given my self the gift of time it would take to process my thoughts and post here. Maybe it's time to change that. We'll see.

I just finished reading the book Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. I'll share my thoughts about the book in another post. Though I will say that it has inspired me to continue blogging. Reading her blog excerpts in the book reminded me how much I miss processing my journey this way.

I thought I'd resurrect the blog by including a post from Bobby's Facebook memorial page that I wrote on July 23. That date marks the 6 year anniversary of his passing.

"Hey Buddy, I miss you. Brian’s at the lake today and dad’s officiating at a funeral. It’s at the same place we had your viewing. That will be hard for him.

It will be six years tomorrow since you left us so suddenly. I often wonder what you would look like especially as I see the changes in Brian day by day as he grows into a young man. I wonder what path you would have chosen for your life if you’d stuck around. I don’t dwell on it too much because that leaves me dwelling in the land of “what if” or “if only” which keeps me from living in the now.

Your life had a profound impact on those around your as has your death. I’d like to think that we are choosing life every day and making the most of now even while missing you.

Through it all, God has been and continues to be with us and we have peace knowing that you are with Him. There are days I wonder how you are adding life to heaven’s party. I really want to see you but for now, I’ll hang out here and make the most of life now."

Sunday, January 24, 2010

What Role Am I Going to Play?

"His death is not what I would have chosen and I still don't understand."

The quote above is from a reflection I wrote on Bobby's birthday last year. Recently, I've given out the address to Bobby's Memorial page on Facebook to some ladies at work. One has a son who's in a drug addiction and she's just looking for help and support. The others have young teenage boys and my experience of loss is their wost nightmare.

As the conversation unfolded during lunch, my thoughts went something like this:
" Good grief!!! God, how can I not say something? BUT I only have 30 minutes to eat and go to the bathroom and you want me to talk about my loss now??? What if I start crying? I have to go back to class. You know the kids will ask what's the matter, don't you? I do have a to come back tomorrow!!!!"

I did choose to enter into the conversation and share part of my story with those precious women. Being in that place at that time was God's plan for my life in that moment. I had a choice to allow my story to be used for His glory and their and my good or I could be silent but more "comfortable" as I ate my lunch and went about my day. God so gently reminded me that He doesn't waste anything, not even painful, difficult things. This is the quote He reminded me of:

We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.- Jerry Sittser

I'm still learning how to respond to the role of someone who has lost a child without letting it define me. Life is the point. Even in Bobby's death, life is still the point. If sharing parts of his story leads others to life that's pretty cool!!!! His death is still not what I would have chosen but I do understand just a little better how God can use Bobby's death to share HIS LIFE with others.

As I live this life that He has given me, I continue to look for opportunities to share His life and hope with those in my world.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Considering-Verse III

Considering seems to be this on-going song. At least that 's the way it's seemed since 2005 when God gave first put the words in my heart. What I think to be the final verse came to me as I was preparing a talk for the ladies retreat at my church. The topic I was to speak on was experiencing God's love through pain. Well, in order to go there, I had to go back in time and think on how I'd actually experienced God's love through pain. This was a somewhat painful task even though I could clearly see God's hand in the circumstances of my life. I could see God's faithfulness through some difficult things but I found myself wondering about the tomorrows of my life. My "worry flesh" began to kick in and familiar words that used to paralize me began running through my head. That's when I needed to replace lies with truth. At that moment, God didn't give me a scripture but another verse to Considering. He's funny like that. He speaks to me in a way that He knows I can receive His truth in a given moment. I know sometimes I'm to busy trying to figure things out on my own but in those moments when I'm quiet before Him, He is faithful to show me His truth.

Considering-Verse III-Written in April 2009

Oh, Lord you have been faithful
As I’ve traveled down this road.
As I look toward tomorrow,
I sometimes wonder what it holds.
Then I hear you gently whisper
I am with you in the now
And whatever comes tomorrow
You will see my grace poured out.

Chorus: amended in April 2009
Considering all you’ve done for me,
Considering all I know of you,
Lord, I want to let you love me
Even though I can’t see you.
Lord, I choose to let you love me
Even when I can’t see you.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

None But Jesus

This is a song that God has been using to speak to me lately. It keeps bringing me back to the center. This is my life. I can't wait to start living until this or that happens. This is my everyday,ordinary, God-appointed life. My focus needs to be Him and not my to do list (although I do like my list :) )! I want to make the most of everyday that I have and enjoy each moment whether it's walking the dog or sleeping in or hugging my boy or my man or....... You get the point. "All my delight is in you Lord. All of my hope. All of my strength."