Monday, August 15, 2011

Remembering What I Know

It was 3:00 A.M. and I couldn't sleep. That seems to be the way things have gone since my surgery seven weeks ago. This insomnia seems to be environmental in the making. It's partly due to the pain that seems to strike in the middle of the night. And then there are those racing thoughts that come once I'm awake. How am I going to....? What am I going to do when.........? I can't believe I have to..... and what about? You get the idea, right?

Well, my biggest hurdle after being immobile for five weeks was to be able to get off of my porch since my strong man, who wheeled me off for various appointments, was leaving the country for three weeks. My prayer request for everyone who asked was:"Pray that I can get off the porch!" I couldn't even walk. How in the world was I going to be able to get off the porch until I could put weight on my foot? On and on my thoughts would go until anxiety and fear were my companions in the night instead of peace and rest. Pain and fatigue increased my fear and didn't help with the clarity of my thoughts.

Well, to make a long story short, physical therapy came none too soon. By the time I left the therapist's office after the first appointment, I was walking to the car with the aid of a walker. Yep, I, the one who had worried, fretted and cried for days about this possibility,,had walked to the car!!!! Not only that but I walked onto the porch and into the house.

Amazing, right? For me, absolutely!!!!!!!! God had answered my prayer about being able to "get off the porch" before John left. So, what's the point of this blog entry? Just to encourage your heart that God answers our prayers in His time and that He is faithful. Well, not exactly.

Would you believe, after my walking victory, the next time I got up to walk I couldn't move? Yep. That's right. I was frozen in place. I couldn't remember what to do next. I was stuck and had to call for help. It had only been 5 weeks since I'd walked uninhibited to carry out the tasks before me.

In the middle of the night as I was fretting about forgetting, God gently reminded me to go back to what I knew. The therapist had taught me how to hop and I had rehearsed those steps in my mind. So, I thought if repeated them, it would trigger my ability to remember to walk. Guess what? It worked!!!!!!!

In all of this, God reminded me to go back to what I know to be true about Him as well. There is no formula like the physical therapist gave me for walking but there are truths that I can cling too even when I'm stuck and don't know how to move in a spiritual sense. There are things that are true of me as a new creation in Christ (2 Cor.5:17) that may not always feel true in a given moment. I can choose to live like they are true of me regardless of my feelings.

Just because walking didn't feel natural to me anymore, didn't mean that I wasn't meant to walk again. I just had to remind myself how to walk over and over and choose to do it. I'm happy to say that the walking is coming much more easily now. I believe the same thing is true of me spiritually. As I am transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom. 12:1) and learn to live as though what God says in His word is true about me,I will begin to walk like the new creation in Christ that He says I am. It will be moment by moment. One choice (or step)at a time empowered by His Spirit in me. That sounds like the kind of walk I want to have. How about you?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Mandisa - He Is With You

He is With You

On the six year anniversary of Bobby's death as I was missing him and wondering some of the same questions that I've had from the beginning, God used a song by Mandisa to remind me that he was and still is with me in my pain. It's called He is With You. My questions still aren't answered but I KNOW that God has caused all things to work together for good even though it's still painful and some days I long to push the rewind button and have a do over. He is with me and my family on the days when we miss Bobby like crazy. He is with us when we're living life to the fullest with just a dull ache in our hearts that reminds us Bobby's not here. He's with us as we celebrate birthdays, holidays and ordinary days just because we've been given another chance to live, laugh and love. For that, I am extremely grateful!

Wonder What You'd Be Like Today?

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I wonder why that is? I've written some in my journal but I haven't given my self the gift of time it would take to process my thoughts and post here. Maybe it's time to change that. We'll see.

I just finished reading the book Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. I'll share my thoughts about the book in another post. Though I will say that it has inspired me to continue blogging. Reading her blog excerpts in the book reminded me how much I miss processing my journey this way.

I thought I'd resurrect the blog by including a post from Bobby's Facebook memorial page that I wrote on July 23. That date marks the 6 year anniversary of his passing.

"Hey Buddy, I miss you. Brian’s at the lake today and dad’s officiating at a funeral. It’s at the same place we had your viewing. That will be hard for him.

It will be six years tomorrow since you left us so suddenly. I often wonder what you would look like especially as I see the changes in Brian day by day as he grows into a young man. I wonder what path you would have chosen for your life if you’d stuck around. I don’t dwell on it too much because that leaves me dwelling in the land of “what if” or “if only” which keeps me from living in the now.

Your life had a profound impact on those around your as has your death. I’d like to think that we are choosing life every day and making the most of now even while missing you.

Through it all, God has been and continues to be with us and we have peace knowing that you are with Him. There are days I wonder how you are adding life to heaven’s party. I really want to see you but for now, I’ll hang out here and make the most of life now."