Sunday, January 24, 2010

What Role Am I Going to Play?

"His death is not what I would have chosen and I still don't understand."

The quote above is from a reflection I wrote on Bobby's birthday last year. Recently, I've given out the address to Bobby's Memorial page on Facebook to some ladies at work. One has a son who's in a drug addiction and she's just looking for help and support. The others have young teenage boys and my experience of loss is their wost nightmare.

As the conversation unfolded during lunch, my thoughts went something like this:
" Good grief!!! God, how can I not say something? BUT I only have 30 minutes to eat and go to the bathroom and you want me to talk about my loss now??? What if I start crying? I have to go back to class. You know the kids will ask what's the matter, don't you? I do have a to come back tomorrow!!!!"

I did choose to enter into the conversation and share part of my story with those precious women. Being in that place at that time was God's plan for my life in that moment. I had a choice to allow my story to be used for His glory and their and my good or I could be silent but more "comfortable" as I ate my lunch and went about my day. God so gently reminded me that He doesn't waste anything, not even painful, difficult things. This is the quote He reminded me of:

We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.- Jerry Sittser

I'm still learning how to respond to the role of someone who has lost a child without letting it define me. Life is the point. Even in Bobby's death, life is still the point. If sharing parts of his story leads others to life that's pretty cool!!!! His death is still not what I would have chosen but I do understand just a little better how God can use Bobby's death to share HIS LIFE with others.

As I live this life that He has given me, I continue to look for opportunities to share His life and hope with those in my world.

2 comments:

angelina said...

So sorry for your loss. It must have been and still is very difficult? How are you doing today?

Garvys said...

Angelina,
As you can tell, I'm not very good at looking at the comments that folks leave. I'm trying to get better and have just started blogging again.
To answer your question, my family and I are doing well. There are days when it's still very difficult but usually just a dull ache in my heart knowing that my boy is missing from our life.